


The Bird, and the Bard

by KaytiKazoo



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Divergence after Chroma Conclave, M/M, Minor Keyleth/Vex'ahlia (Critical Role), Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-01-31 10:50:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12680391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaytiKazoo/pseuds/KaytiKazoo
Summary: But he didn’t have feelings for Vax. There was no way he had feelings for Vax. He was nice to look at, but Scanlan wasn’t looking to make a husband out of the half-elf anytime soon. Or ever.Ever. That’s what he meant.





	1. Wings

**Author's Note:**

> Coming back to fanfic (but don't call it a comeback)  
> This is set in some imaginary time period after the Chroma Conclave and Scanlan's resurrection where there wasn't a huge blow-up between Scanlan and VM. Unfortunately that means no Taryon, but we do what we gotta do.

It wasn’t supposed to be anything big, that’s what their intel had said. It was supposed to be something that they could handle. Just a quick clean-up, not a big deal for the saviors of Emon. It would be fine, that’s what they’d thought. The clean-up had ended up being much more extensive, and much more high-risk than they’d been warned. They had been battling for hours on dangerous peaks and sheer cliffs, taking out packs of risen dead, some nothing more than bones of humans held together by necromantic magic, and others looming, rotting trolls with clubs bigger than Scanlan’s whole body. They were exhausted, and their energy for spells and their cache of potions was running low.

Keyleth called that they would need to run soon and come back refreshed, or with more help, while she fired bolts of energy from her staff.

One second, Scanlan was floating above the battle, steady on Bigby’s hand while he shot Lightning Bolts and Magic Missiles at the group of skeletons and undead beasts of all sizes below, just out of reach of their swords, and the next, he was falling. The sky looked so big, impossibly large, almost never-ending. He had never imagined that the sky could be that enormous. He had always been so small compared to the world, no matter how much he’d tried to pretend he wasn’t, but that was bigger than even he could believe existed.

The sky dimmed around the edges, the wind whipped around him, and he was just falling.

He looked over his shoulder, and found that Bigby’s hand had somehow, over the course of the battle, been moved to the side of the cliff, and there was no ground below to catch him. He couldn’t get the spell out, all the things he’d learned over all the years flying out of his head.

He didn’t even notice the second hit that landed, as he plummeted, losing consciousness somewhere past the cliff’s edge.

 

+++

 

Vax’ildan saw the shimmery purple hand blink out of existence from the corner of his eye, and watched in absolute horror as Scanlan dropped from the sky. He urged the gnome to turn into an eagle, or something, anything with wings, to save himself, but he passed the cliff’s edge and out of Vax’s sight without a single burst of his glimmering, purple arcane magic. He bolted towards the cliff, ducking below blades that tried, and failed, to carve into him. He whipped out his wings for the first time all day, and took a leap off the cliff. The gnome wasn’t moving, his eyes staring up above, unblinking. Vax folded in his wings and dropped into a dive. He hadn’t wanted to use the wings today, not until something bigger came out of the woodwork, but he couldn’t not get Scanlan. He couldn’t let his friend drop into oblivion, even if Keyleth was closer.

“Come on, buddy,” he muttered as he swooped below Scanlan and his weight slammed into Vax’s chest. He dropped ten feet, but Scanlan was safe. The small gnome, dressed in flamboyant purple armor was cradled against Vax’s chest. “You’re not going anywhere today.”

Death wasn’t permanent, not for them, not anymore. The Raven Queen had been extremely gracious to them, and with Pike’s magic, death was a small coma. Vax pressed his hand into Scanlan’s back and used the healing power his queen had given him to bring Scanlan back. His eyes fluttered open, and he looked around.

“What the fuck,” Scanlan asked, looking up into Vax’s eyes. “This isn’t how I imagined spooning with you.”

Resting his chin on Scanlan’s head, Vax just flew upwards, wings pushing them easily towards the never-ending sky. He didn’t want to let him go, especially with the bare amount of life that Vax was able to give him.

Why, though? Why was setting the gnome down on the ground and then flying back into battle so hard to imagine? They were warriors, saviors even. Scanlan could heal himself, and if he couldn’t, Pike wasn’t far away. They had fought and slain the Chroma Conclave! Vax shouldn’t be so worried about Scanlan Shorthalt taking care of himself. Scanlan was older than him, and had more experience, and had proven himself to be able to handle himself. It wasn’t a big deal to put him down and walk away. Vax was good at walking away, but there was something about Scanlan that-

 _Fuck_.

Vax gently set him down onto the cliff’s edge, and cast Shield of Faith on the gnome.

“Be careful, we need you.”

Scanlan looked up at him, and smiled.

 _Fuck_.

Vax didn’t leave Scanlan’s immediate vicinity until they had cleared away every last shambling creature. He threw his daggers from a distance and hid in the shadows wherever Scanlan went, and kept his gnome out of the Raven Queen’s grasp. He was loyal to his deity, that was true, he couldn’t deny that. She had given him back his sister when she didn’t have to, but he couldn’t guarantee that she would give him back the person he—

 _Fuck_ , he thought, staring across their little family at Scanlan Shorthalt, who stood somewhat behind Grog while he cast the Mansion. _The gnome has gotten to me_. He wasn’t sure when, or how, but he had, and now, what the fuck was he supposed to do with that?


	2. Mansion

Scanlan chose to skip dinner with the group, and instead ate dinner his servants brought to him in his room. He wasn’t sure he could face the rest of Vox Machina, not for a normal, post-battle meal or a round of drinks from the wine cellar. The group were loud and partying even as they walked through the door, singing their own praises for a job well done. It was a job well done, a battle well fought. They’d successfully destroyed an army, although they hadn’t figured out who had caused the army to rise. It didn’t matter yet, though. They had to rest, get back their energy for spells, and they would find the cause of this malady.

It wouldn’t be a problem. They were Vox Machina, after all. They were practically gods.

For now, they would drink, and eat, and be merry, and they would sleep deeply in their plush beds that Scanlan had created for them. He was glad that he could provide shelter and safety for his friends, but he couldn't enjoy it with them. Not tonight.

He kept an eye on the door, but they didn’t come to disturb him. He could hear the lot of them drift up the stairs and into their rooms, separating only to sneak into their lover’s rooms. They had all been trying to keep their affairs a secret, but Scanlan, on the outside of everything, say everything. Vex thought no one could see the surreptitious winks she gave Keyleth, or the way Keyleth’s freckled face lit up like Winter’s Crest decorations. Scanlan saw, though. Vex and Keyleth were cute, and Scanlan enjoyed watching them try and be secretive around the rest of the group.

He lay on his back in the middle of the bed, staring straight up into the reflection of himself in the mirror overhead. He didn’t even want to look at himself. He could see all of his flaws staring back at him, and he didn’t like how they looked. Mortality and fear didn’t go well with his whole aesthetic. He didn’t like the shadows smudging under his eyes, or his newfound inability to meet his own gods damned gaze.

After so many years, he liked to think that he knew himself. He hid things from others, from his daughter, and from his friends, but he couldn’t hide those things from himself. He knew why he hated goblins. He knew why he ached when he caught the scent of her on the breeze, but never knew quite where it was coming from. He may not talk about it with everyone like some of his compatriots, but he still carried everything inside of him.

Death used to be so unimportant to him. The Raven Queen was never going to take him, not until he had sired a new generation of children and broke the world’s heart with his songs. Now, though? Death breathed down his neck every time they stepped out of the safety of their mansion. He had already broken his promise to Kaylie in that cave, and he had almost broken it again today. If it hadn’t been for Vax-

If it hadn’t been for Vax’ildan, he would be a gnome smear on the rocks below. There wouldn’t have been much to put back together for a resurrection this time. Kaylie would learn how to resurrect him just to murder him again if she found out. It sucked to be mortal. Maybe there was a spell he could learn that would let him become immortal. The Raven Queen had ascended to godhood. Why couldn’t Scanlan Shorthalt? Well, because that was against the laws of divinity themselves, and what spot would Scanlan even fill in the grand scheme of things?

He was starting to go down a nonsensical path, and he needed to sort out the jumble in his chest. Everything felt so draining, so heavy. He had trouble breathing around it. Instead, he focused on something other than the heaviness inside of him.

Here’s what he knew;

  * Vax had saved his life by diving after him off a cliff.
  * Vax brought him back to consciousness using a limited amount of energy the Raven Queen had bestowed him.
  * When Scanlan had come to, Vax had cradled him close as if he was something precious.
  * He hadn’t let him out of his sight.



Scanlan couldn’t begin to fathom what Vax had meant by any of that. They were friends, sure. They had saved the world together. They had been through so much, and they’d pulled each other through some shit. It didn’t feel like it should, though. It felt deeper, more substantial than what it should be. Maybe it was the consequence of such a hard-fought battle so close to saving the entire world from gods damned dragons. They deserved a break, but they didn’t get to have that. Instead there was some ominous force in the mountains wreaking havoc on the land, and Vox Machina, saviors that they were, were called in.

Gods, he just wanted to sleep.

He kept staring up at himself.

He wanted to sleep for several weeks, like a small, inconsequential coma. Then, he’d wake up and continue living. He had hundreds of years ahead of him, but it still felt like he’d used all of his energy up. He wanted a nice life, maybe singing Vox Machina’s tales, with Kaylie in the periphery doing her own thing. He wanted her to be independent, but in a way that was still near him so he could keep the horrors of the world from creeping in on her. That girl, she was a Shorthalt, so she was resilient, but she was a Shorthalt, one of few, and he wanted her to alive and unharmed.

Scanlan sensed Vax’s arrival into his room more than he heard or saw it. This was a mansion of his own creation, after all, and he knew when rogues were sneaking around in the secret passages. He sat up and found Vax lingering by the passageway that connected their two rooms. He’s not wearing his armor, which doesn’t surprise Scanlan, and is instead dressed in simple linen pajamas. He is still swathed in black but now it is soft, breathing against his skin instead of holding tight to it. They didn’t often get a chance to be cozy. They didn’t get to take off their armor and just breathe in. The black linen is a stark contrast against the half-elf’s pale skin, but it’s not unwelcome. At least the linen looks like its treating him well.

“Hey buddy,” Vax said, his long, dark hair left loose, and his feet bare against the smooth stone flooring. “You asleep?”

“No,” Scanlan answered, pulling his legs towards his chest. He hadn’t changed from his own armor yet, and suddenly felt self-conscious against Vax’s comfort and sincerity. “How’d you know the passage was there?”

“It’s my job to find hidden doors,” Vax reminded him. “And I suspected it was there already.”

“Right. Sorry.”

 Vax stepped into Scanlan’s bedroom and shut the door behind him. They didn’t say anything for a moment, just sharing this liminal space, before Vax crossed the room and sat on the bed with him. It was a large bed even by a half-elf’s standards, big enough for even Grog to fit comfortably if the big guy didn’t sleep in the sandpit every night. He kept a fair distance between them, and Scanlan appreciated that.

It didn’t matter that something, somewhere, inside of him wanted to scooch closer.

He couldn’t fathom why Vax had saved him the way that he had. He was grateful, of course, because he was alive and here with minimal injuries, but there was no reason that Vax should’ve cradled him and-

Did he want something from Scanlan? Because he was always and totally down to fuck Vax’ildan anytime he wanted, or let Vax fuck him, but it didn’t feel that cheap, that easy. There was something else, something deeper.

Scanlan lay backwards and looked at Vax’s back, the way his hair tumbled around his shoulders. It was actually unfair how even the back of Vax’s head was attractive, especially glowing with the shimmering bedroom lights in the reflection of the ceiling mirror. Vax lay down beside him, the hair around him pillowing out against the purple bedspread. Scanlan couldn’t take his eyes off of the half-elf.

He didn’t have romantic feelings for Vax. He didn’t. He was sure of that. It was crazy to think that he might. He was attracted to Vax, because he was attractive, and Scanlan wasn’t blind, but he didn’t want to settle down and write a love song to the guy.

Well, he definitely could.

Here’s a list of things that Scanlan could write about Vax:

  * The softness of his skin
  * The gleam of his midnight hair
  * The gentle ruffle of his wings
  * His head-first bravery
  * The way he listened to Scanlan earnestly like Scanlan was worthwhile to listen to
  * When he smiled because he knew he was being a shit but he was going to do it anyway



But he didn’t have feelings for Vax. There was no way he had feelings for Vax. He was nice to look at, but Scanlan wasn’t looking to make a husband out of the half-elf anytime soon. Or ever.

Ever. That’s what he meant.

Vax didn’t say anything, and Scanlan didn’t feel comfortable starting this conversation. They just looked at each other in the mirror above, faces solemn. Their mirror selves kept waiting on them, and they kept waiting on each other, and time passed around them in a expectant, everlasting stillness. 


	3. Gaze

They had fallen asleep beside one another at some point, the arcane warmth of their own private dimension wrapping them in a blanket of security. When Vax woke first, he gazed at Scanlan for a long time, their hands intertwined sometime in the night. He hadn’t let Scanlan’s hand go, even while unconscious. The gnome had gotten to him somehow, finding a place inside of him where he didn’t belong. He liked the way that Scanlan’s palm felt pressed against his own. He wasn’t starved for contact; Vox Machina had grown to be extraordinarily touchy people. They were always patting each other and pulling each other up. Plus, he was never really touch-starved with Vex around. It wasn’t about the physical contact that kept their hands intertwined, not for Vax anyway. Scanlan squeezed his hand in his sleep, and with it, Vax’s heart.

He just liked the way their skin felt flush against each other. He didn’t know what else he felt, or why he felt that way, but he knew that much at least.

He climbed out of bed as Scanlan began to stir. Vax didn’t want to be there when Scanlan inevitably began to question what the fuck he was still doing there, and what he thought he was doing. That was the problem, though, he wasn’t thinking. He hadn’t been when he had followed his feet into the secret passage from his room to Scanlan’s, or when he had crawled up next to the gnome. He just had done it. He didn’t regret it, but he wasn’t going to stick around to let Scanlan make him regret it. He crept into the passage, pulled the door shut behind him, and returned to his room.

It was still early, but he’d slept extraordinarily well and felt refreshed in a way that the day after a hard battle never allowed. He didn’t know what to do, honestly. They were constantly moving, trying to catch a few winks of shut-eye between battles, without much downtime for anything else. He wandered through the corridors, up and down the mansion’s never-ending, ever-looping hallways. Scanlan was decadent as he was self-assured, and the luxury kept amazing Vax around every corner.

“Brother?” Vex asked blearily as they met at the intersection of the main hall and a smaller off-shoot that Vax had been searching through. She looked at him through a squinted expression. “What were you doing?”

“I had a remarkable night, and had a bit of time on my hands. What are you doing?”

“I was getting breakfast.”

“Let’s get breakfast, then!”

Vex grumbled but tucked herself under his arm as they headed into the kitchen. They were quiet while the servants cooked them another miraculous meal of chicken in every form possible. One by one, their compatriots filtered down, but for a while, it was just Vex and Vax again in a still, quiet mansion too big for the two of them. Finally, lastly, Scanlan joined the group, and Vax was acutely aware of his presence as soon as he walked in, and as he sat in the furthest seat at the table from him. He looked down towards his own plate, a fine breakfast before him, and it just didn’t feel right.

It was dumb, all they’d done was hold hands. Schoolchildren held hands. It wasn’t something to moon over, but oh, how he was mooning.

Every time he tried to look away, he found himself drifting back to Scanlan. He couldn’t keep his gods damned eyes to himself, constantly looking and checking on the gnome as if he couldn’t take care of himself inside of his own mansion.

They’d have to leave soon, and strike out to complete their mission. They had a cause to find and wipe out so that the nice people in the mountain towns could sleep at night without worry of an undead hoard pillaging and sundering their livelihoods. They should be planning, scheming, theorizing. They should be, and maybe they were. Vax wasn’t focusing on the conversation, only on the bard at the end of the table who was ignoring him fiercely and stubbornly.

He didn’t know what had sparked this, and he wasn’t honest enough with himself to start looking into it, but he could definitely just study Scanlan for hours. He wondered what secrets lay underneath the gnome’s armor, if he had any scars or marks that he tried to hide, if there were freckles Vax could trace with his fingertips to make constellations from.

“Vax?” Vex asked, nudging him back to the conversation.

“Yes?”

“What do you think?” she repeated. “Of the plan?”

He hadn’t been paying attention, and Vex knew that. She knew everything about him and always had. He hadn’t spent much time without her, even from their creation, so it was hard to believe otherwise. He wondered if Vex knew about this new infatuation with Scanlan, as he knew of hers for Keyleth. He also wondered if she knew he knew, or if she thought he was oblivious. It wasn’t hard to figure out, as Vex stared longingly after the druid in, frantically, almost lewd ways. It helped, as well, that Vex’s wink counts had gone up around Keyleth, and Keyleth’s blush count had risen to meet it. He wondered if Vex had fallen in love with Keyleth, and if he looked the same way at Scanlan that she did at Keyleth.

Not that he was in love, of course.

Warmth ran through his veins when he was near the gnome, and he wanted to hold Scanlan’s hand, and if anything happened to Scanlan, he’d throw himself at the mercy of his goddess for her grace to bring him home. He wanted to hear about Scanlan’s day, even though they were travelling together and therefore knew each other’s days intimately, but he wanted to hear it from Scanlan’s own mouth. He made such beautiful music, and he had a way with words that Vax just couldn’t resist.

He wasn’t in love, though. That would be absurd, but he couldn’t deny that he felt nothing.

“I wasn’t paying attention,” he admitted. “But I trust you, and whatever you decide is best, I will do, sister.”

He wasn’t going to tell her that he had been tracing Scanlan’s profile, considering it and what could’ve possibly triggered this, but he had been. Scanlan Shorthalt, the bastard bard, drew his eyes even as he spoke to his sister, and there was nothing he could do. There was nothing else he wanted to do. He was content for now just to look at the gnome. That’s all. It was that simple, and that hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping to get these more regularly to you, as I'm graduating college in two weeks, but for now, thanks for sticking with me!!! :*  
> -K


	4. Nightmare

They blew through the mage that thought they could raise an army of undead in the name of some god. The mage had left some scars, Scanlan couldn’t deny that at all. He had tried his best to keep everyone up, and succeeded easily but he was exhausted now. He was a little worse for wear, but it wasn’t anything major. They’d certainly endured worse than some motherfucker who thought they could ruin some small town in the middle of nowhere without Vox Machina coming to save the goddamn day.

“Good game,” Vax said with a small fleeting graze on Scanlan’s shoulder. Scanlan felt a nice healing warmth pass through him where Vax had touched him. “Real good, bud.”

Scanlan watched as Vax loped away with the most nonchalant swing to his hips, headed towards his sister and her secret girlfriend. He was sure everyone but Grog, hell, maybe even Grog knew about Vex and Keyleth, but they kept it quiet nonetheless. That was fine, they could do whatever they pleased. They were adults. He certainly encouraged it.

“Should we teleport back to Whitestone?” someone asked, but no one answered.

“We have to stay,” Scanlan finally said. “We’re all exhausted, and we need to stick around for a day or two to see what else comes out of the woodwork. That’s what we agreed to. I can call up the mansion again, we’ll get some rest, and in the morning, we’ll finish our job.”

Scanlan concentrated and used what was left of his energy to pull up the door to the mansion. It only took a minute and the glimmering purple door flashed open before him, settled between a rock and a bare tree. He walked in without waiting, heading for the wine cellar below. He grabbed a single bottle, then thought better and loaded his arms with identical bottles, and headed upstairs.

“Let’s fucking party!”

 

+++

 

He fell asleep at the foot of his own bed, having tripped and fallen into it. He woke up in a cold sweat on the floor, shaking uncontrollably. He obviously didn’t get enough death and destruction in his waking life; his mind had decided that it wanted to play his worst moments on loop ad nauseum. He stood over his own body, his corpse laying still on the ground before Kaylie who raged and wept over him. He stood over his own body, laying still on the ground in the cave while Vax swept him up into his arms and held him close. He felt the pain of his deaths sear through him, burning cold and icy heat climbing through his muscles, racing through his veins, trying to fight each other for the right of dominance. The pain of it seared him from the inside, and when he awoke, he felt exhausted, drained of every bit of energy he’d ever had.

“Fuck,” he said. Everything was weak, his knees knocked together as he stood. He tried crawling back into bed, but his body just wouldn’t. Staring at the plush sheets and comforter thrown across an oversized mattress, all waiting to welcome him with their luxurious embrace, and yet-

Without meaning to, he turned and headed for the secret passage entrance. He couldn’t help his feet, so he followed them through the silent tunnel until they stopped before the door to Vax’s room.

He shouldn’t be here. It didn’t matter, though, he was already here.

He pushed open the door and tiptoed across the floor. The half-elf followed him with his eyes, still awake in the dark bedroom, and he gestured to the space next to him. Scanlan clambered up at the invitation and lay down.

They didn’t say anything that first night, not even when Scanlan shuffled into Vax’s space and leaned his head against his chest. It’d been a while since he’d curled up with someone, especially because before Kaylie came into his life, he was bouncing from brothel to brothel. There isn’t a lot of just cuddling in a brothel. They didn’t say anything, but breathed in each other’s space and fell asleep.

They pretended they didn’t exit the same bedroom the next morning.

Scanlan had the same dream the next night, and found his way into Vax’s bed again.

They didn’t say anything for three whole nights after they’d arrived back in Whitestone and the path from Scanlan’s room to Vax’s was a little less secretive. Scanlan was willing to get caught if he could just see him again. He kept going back to Vax, because he couldn’t fall asleep and stay asleep without him. He’d replaced the suude with a half-elven rogue.

The nightmare came back, though, even while he lay in the safety of Vax’s arms on that fourth night. It started the same.

He was walking down a long, endless corridor. No matter how far he walked, or how far he went, he made no progress. It was infinite, a drab expanse of colorless stone on either side of him, and then it was the Raven Queen’s temple. He stood beside Kaylie who stood over him. Then he was in the cave, and Vax was scooping him up. Then it was in Thordak’s lair. The pain came, fighting against him and its self, and he woke up with a startled shout. He was drenched in sweat every time, soaking into his sleep clothes and his hair. He felt weak.

“Are you alright?” Vax’s sleepy, concerned voice came from the darkness. He stroked his hand across the curve of Scanlan’s shoulder, curling his arm to keep Scanlan close to him. It was welcome, the closeness of his friend calming his tattered nerves.

“Yes,” Scanlan said with no conviction.

“Are you?”

“No.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Scanlan didn’t answer, trying to find the right words. Vax didn’t press him, though, only let him consider it.

“I don’t want Kaylie to ever have to go through that again,” he finally said. “I don’t want her to be responsible for bringing me back, or having to see my corpse. I promised her I would come back alive, and I didn’t. I broke that promise, and she hasn’t really talked to me since.”

“Is that what the nightmare is about?”

“A little bit, I guess. But not really. I don’t want to die like that again.”

“I underst-”

“And there’s this little bit of you in there.”

“Me?”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Vax. You picked me up when I died in that cave and brought me home. You had to hold my dead body, and now we’re- I don’t want to become my mother.”

“Your mother?”

“She died when I wasn’t home; the town was overrun by goblins and when I got home, she was dead. I don’t want you guys to just find me dead one day. I don’t want Kaylie to go through that.”

“Bud,” Vax said gently, but Scanlan shook his head, cutting him off. He pushed himself up, elbows wobbling uncertainly. He sat up, and kept shaking his head.

“I miss her so fucking much, Vax. Every day.”

“I know, bud. Our mother was killed by Thordak when we were in Syngorn.”

“What if that happens to us, though? We have children, and then one day, we’re dead. We’re dead while our children look away, and they are forced to face our deaths? I never wanted that. I love Kaylie to the depth of my fucking soul, but I never wanted this responsibility. What if we get to the bottom of this fucking hole in the basement, and it’s just death? I can’t do that to her.”

“Our children?” Vax asked quietly.

Scanlan kept going, afraid to stop too long.

“If I die, I want to stay dead, then I’d see her again. I’d stay with my mother.”

“Tell me about her?” Vax asked.

“She was like sunshine. We were poor, and I often had to go out to sing and play on the streets to get us dinner for the night, but she always kept her spirits up. She worked hard, and she taught me to keep singing through everything. She actually taught me to sing. She, uhhh, gods, she was gorgeous, Vax. Every day I forget something else about her, but I remember her being beautiful, and I see so much of her in Kaylie. So much. Her name was Juniper, and if I had been home-”

“Then you would’ve died, too, and we need you alive.”

There was a beat before Vax sat up completely.

“ _I_ need you alive.”

“Unfortunately, Vax, I’m not the one who decides that.”

Vax rested his hand on Scanlan’s shoulder and lightly tugged.

“Come on, tonight’s not the night to figure out immortality. Let’s get some sleep.”

Scanlan nodded, the exhaustion seeping into his bones like the most stubborn warmth. He sank back into Vax’s space, head resting slightly on the half-elf’s shoulder.

“What about your mother?” Scanlan asked.

They turned to face each other, foreheads pressed together gently.

“Her name was Elaina. She was a seamstress.”

Scanlan fell asleep somewhere between Vex being the perfect likeness to their mother, and a story of the twins making hell for Elaina accidentally. Vax kissed his forehead, and wished him a goodnight before snuggling in close to the gnome, and fell asleep with Scanlan held close, safe.


	5. Departure

He woke up in bed alone for the first time in a few days, and the spot where Scanlan had been was cool to the touch. The gnome had snuck out some time ago, leaving Vax alone. They didn’t owe each other anything, but he still felt something hollow in his chest. He dressed in simple clothes; it was just Whitestone, after all. He prayed quickly to Sarenrae and to the Raven Queen that nothing attacked their home today. He listened for the sound of footsteps, servants and friends alike coming and going from the neighboring rooms. 

Specifically, he listened for the light footsteps of a gnome. 

He finished dressing and tying his hair away from his face. He wasn't sure what he was going to do, or even what he wanted. Part of him hoped to run into the gnome so they could talk about what happened the night before, or so that he could scold him for- for what, though? They weren't dating, so Scanlan could come and go as he pleased. They weren't even sleeping together. They were just- Vax wasn't sure he could describe it. They were finding comfort from the horrors outside their doors in, of all places, each other. That wasn't something Vax could easily quantify, not without several hours of strong drinks and introspection. 

He set out from his room, dressed to meet the day, and headed for the dining room where the servants would just be setting out brunch for whoever cared to come down. On his walk down, he greeted a few guards and other workers from around the castle. It was a good place to live, even without the stature of being saviors and world-famous adventurers. The people respected them here, without spitting at them for being half-something, for being  _mutts_. They were kind, and open, welcoming. It helped that they had collectively saved the city and raised it from the depths.

He found Vex and Keyleth sat beside Percy and Cassandra in the dining room, and Scanlan stood at the edge of the table with his back to the door where Vax stood, hands gripping the table. They all looked tense, like they were waiting for something to drop. 

"Good morning," he said.

"Explain this to Vax, then," Vex said, gesturing almost violently towards her brother. He stalled in the doorway, looking from his sister to the rest of the group. The room was still before Scanlan sighed.

"I'm leaving," he said, turning towards Vax. "Kaylie and I are going, somewhere. We're just going."

"Wh- why? What happened?"

Scanlan's eyes softened, his brow furrowing as he looked at Vax. 

"Kaylie saw me dead, Vax. She saw me laying still and cold, bloodied from being killed in battle. You guys let my daughter see me like that, and I don't blame you. I'm angry, I'm scared, and I don't want that to happen again, but I do not blame you. You did what you had to do, but I can't have it happen again."

"You can't," Vax said quietly.

"I can't not, though, Vax. I will not become a victim to a goblin hoard for my child to bury."

He said it quietly, almost a whisper, the secret shared between them lying in the comfort and security of the dark. 

"We will protect you," Vex started to say, but Vax knew it wasn't true. Everyone in that room knew it wasn't true. Nothing, truly, would convince Scanlan to stay. 

"You can't," Scanlan replied. "There's no guarantee when we walk into a battle that any of us are making it out alive, that Pike could bring us back. There's hope, but no guarantee. That's what we signed up for, isn't it? Thrilling adventure with the slightest chance of martyrdom, a little hint of suicide in every plan. It's fine when you've got no attachments, you see, but I don't have that anymore, the freedom of loneliness. I have a daughter. Kaylie, she's my family, and I can't be another Shorthalt grave, not for her."

"Scanlan, please," Keyleth said, but he shook his head. 

"We're gonna go. Kaylie and I packed this morning, and I just wanted to say goodbye."

"At least say goodbye to Pike and Grog," Vax finally croaked out.

"Oh, I have. Pike and I talked already. I owed her that much after everything I've put her through, and Grog, well, I'll get him on the way out. I believe he spent the night at a house of lady favors."

"You can't leave," Vex said decidedly. Keyleth nodded emphatically beside her.

"I'm not asking your permission," Scanlan replied. "Vox Machina will carry on without me, as it always has been destined to. Forget me, if you need. Curse my name, and be angry, but I  _am_ leaving."

"We did everything to bring you back and this is what you do to repay us?" Percy snapped. 

"I'm using the life you gave me to live, how is that bad? I'm not going to throw my life away to become the hero of someone else's story. I won't. You can snap your teeth at that all you want, Percy, but I'm going to take my family and live somewhere that isn't going to try and kill us every day. And if that doesn't sit right with you, then that's certainly your problem."

Vax sensed Kaylie's arrival, two bags hefted over her shoulders. She didn't look at Vax as she strolled by. She dropped the bags to nab a croissant from the pile of pastries in the middle.

"Ready to go?" she asked. He nodded, keeping his gaze from Vax as best he could. Kaylie passed over one of the two bags, and she headed for the door. He followed, his bag slung over his shoulder haphazardly, until Vax caught him by the arm.

"Can we talk for a minute before you go?" he asked under his breath. 

Scanlan looked at him, open and honest, touching Vax's hand with gentle fingers. 

"I'm sorry," he replied. "I can't. I'll see you around, Vax. Take care of yourself."

He ducked under Vax's arm and followed Kaylie across the entrance way and out of the castle. Vax followed his retreating form with his eyes, taking in the last sight of him, and fuck, it hurt to watch him go. It stung, a fresh welt forming across his heart, and the tears welled up before he could stop them. 

"Fuck," he whispered before he looked at his companions and then walked away.


	6. Return

-One Year Later-

"You really should go back and talk to them," Kaylie said, counting their gold from their latest transaction. She counted quickly, efficiently, since she was smarter than Scanlan ever could be. Scanlan was smart, but Kaylie was better than him in every way. It made him proud to see her take up his mantle and do better than him. "I've got this, you can go back to Whitestone. See your friends. Apologize."

"What do I have to apologize for?" 

"The fact that you think that that is a legitimate question tells me a lot of things, Pops. Chiefly, that this year away from them has done nothing to sort out your goddamn head."

Scanlan hummed, turning the pages of their leger absently. He knew she was right; he should go home and see his friends again. He missed them deeply. He tried not to think about Vax often, but Vax was an ever-present shadow in the back of his head. Whenever he wanted, he could reach for Vax's presence and feel a pit of loneliness in his chest, and more often than not, when he didn't want. He'd be working, making a deal, and Vax's shadow would pass over him like bird's wings. It was the smallest shit, too. Someone would have a raven emblem on their clothing, or a cloaked figure would be skulking through alleyways, or there'd be a dagger for sale at a shop. It was stupid. Every raven-haired half-elf was Vax, every swish of a dark cloak was Vax, every smile was Vax, every everything was Vax.

He was love-sick, and he hated it. 

"Maybe I should. I wouldn't mind seeing them again."

"I've got a handle on this if you want to go," she answered, moving onto the next stack of gold. They were doing well for themselves, especially given the uptick in business and the might of the Meat Man spreading through the underground. "Just don't die while you're across the world."

"I won't, I promise."

She scoffed under her breath, but said nothing. She still didn't trust him to come back alive, but he was determined to earn that trust every day by coming back alive to her. 

"Take Lionel with you," she said, gesturing to the duck sleeping in the corner. "Except... don't leave him as a duck this time. People look at you weird, turn him back."

"You said you'd take care of him," Scanlan started to argue. She gave him a wry look over her shoulder.

"He's yours to take care of, Pops, so take care of him."

Scanlan knelt down in front of Lionel the Duck, and with a quick bit of concentration, Lionel the Duck became Lionel the Half-Orc. He was a bumbling fool, but he made good muscle when Scanlan needed it. 

"Hey boss, I wasn't sleeping," Lionel muttered, bleary from the sudden transformation. 

"Do you want to go on a trip, Lionel?" Scanlan asked. 

"A trip? Sure!"

"Kaylie, keep the lights on," Scanlan said, going to put on the hat of disguise.

"Don't show back up at that castle as Aes, Pops. That's a bad idea. That will not go over well."

Scanlan pulled the hat on anyway, and kissed his daughter's temple, right at the tips of her pixie cut where the ends came to sharp points. 

"That's why you're the brains of this operation, Kales, don't ever forget it."

"As if you could be," she said with a touch of warmth in her voice. "I'm also the brawn, remember that."

"As if I could forget."

+++

Whitestone was a sight to behold, the sun freshly risen shining through the cloud cover to create a single rainbow over the forests surrounding the city. Scanlan set his hands on his hips, standing at the edge of the city, Lionel standing behind him a step. 

"Where to, boss?" the half-orc asked. 

"See that castle up there?" Scanlan asked, pointing up at the towers peaking over the buildings and the tree tops. "We're going there."

Lionel only made an impressed noise, and Scanlan started off. He hadn't taken off his hat yet, and he wasn't sure he was ready to. He couldn't walk into the castle as Aes Adan, but he also wasn't sure he could walk in as Scanlan Shorthalt either. His heart beat fast in his chest, waiting for the glimpse of Vax'ildan that he'd longed for for a year. 

He put one foot in front of the other, and walked towards the castle confidently. Lionel followed loyally, glancing around with wide eyes. He hadn't seen grass before, really, considering he was truly a duck that had found its way to Marquet on an underground trade gone sideways that needed a home. Scanlan had brought him home and, needing a hired hand, True Polymorphed him into a half-orc. He only had experienced a desert life, which was awful for a duck, and for a person. Scanlan had thrived in Marquet, but it was not a great place to live. It was hot, and dry, and uncomfortable. Forest gnomes lived in the forest, and ducks lived on the water. You didn't find much of either of those in the desert.

They got to the steps leading up towards the Whitestone castle, and Scanlan stalled. He reached up, staring at the stone before him, and pulled away the hat. He had to go back to his friends, his  _family_  as himself. Any other way would feel cheap, or fake. Kaylie was right, he couldn't go back as someone else. He'd left as Scanlan, he had to walk through that door as Scanlan. It didn't matter what he and Kaylie had been through, or that it had changed him. He had left as Scanlan Shorthalt, and Scanlan Shorthalt had to walk back in. 

"Come on, Lionel. Let's go."

He strode up the pathway, chin tipped up so he walked proud. He looked different even without the hat. He had tanned underneath the hot Marquesian sun, and he'd had to adapt to a desert life. He wore his hair tied back with Marquesian ribbon away from his neck. He'd been gifted many scars over the past year, most particularly the one on his cheek from Kaylie. Even his clothes were different, lighter and more comfortable even here in Whitestone's cooler temperatures. He was a different person, but he was still recognizable as the funny, witty bard that had left them a year ago. 

"Scanlan? Is that you?" Jarrett's voice called from nearby as they reached the entrance to the castle. "Well, I'll be fucking damned."

The accent was familiar to Scanlan's ears these days, the sound of his neighbors and associates. 

"Hey Jarrett, is everyone in the castle?"

"At this hour? I think they should be. They just got back from something or other. They should be getting up for breakfast."

"Thanks Jarrett," Scanlan said. 

"It's nice to see you. How have you been?"

"Good, actually. Really good."

"Lay off of the-"

"Yes, I did, thank you. I'm gonna go and try to catch them, if that's okay."

Jarrett motioned them on, even while giving Lionel a suspicious glance. There weren't many half-orcs in Whitestone, and they didn't trail behind one of Whitestone's saviors with their eyes wide, trying to take in everything they could see. Scanlan kept on, though, the guards pulling open the doors for them so they could enter. It was weird being back. Somehow, it felt like he'd never left while also feeling like he hadn't been here in years. Everything had a familiar nostalgia to it. 

He did find Cassandra already at the breakfast table, rifling through papers while absently munching on a pastry. 

"Come sit, Scanlan," she said as he turned to figure out what to do next. "They should be arriving home soon."

Scanlan sat, and Lionel followed. 

"Help yourselves, there's always plenty," she said politely, gesturing to the spread of pastries, oatmeal, bacon, eggs, and an array of fresh fruit. Lionel looked to Scanlan, and Scanlan gestured him on. He piled the plate before him with each kind of bread available. 

Scanlan wasn't hungry, his stomach in knots.

The conversation between himself and Cassandra was polite, if a little stilted. She asked him how his vacation was, as if he had just been on some extended holiday in the tropics, and he asked how things were going here at Whitestone. He hadn't really ever had a one-on-one conversation with Cassandra, and it's not like Lionel was a brilliant conversationalist to keep a barrier between them.

The front door opened, and Scanlan's heart seized as he heard Pike's delightful wind chime laugh. Following, he heard Vex and Keyleth chatting, a loving fondness tinged in their voices, and then Percy talking with a servant. He waited to hear Vax's voice, but he didn't hear it. They rounded into the dining room, and collectively paused.

"Scanlan!" Vex greeted, heading straight for him and wrapping him in a hug before he could do anything. He sighed happily, hugging her back. He had missed her. 

"It's good to see you, Vex," he said quietly.

"Where have you been!" She let him go and hit him on the arm. "You didn't write! You didn't send a single carrier pigeon! For all we knew, you had died!"

"I didn't."

"Clearly!" 

Pike was next to hug him, smiling. 

"It's good to see you again," Pike said. 

It doesn't take too long before Scanlan gets a greeting from everyone, except Vax who stood off to the side in silence. It stung, but he really couldn't blame him. He had left them for a year and hadn't given them any kind of indication that he was safe. But fuck, he wanted to touch Vax'ildan to just know he was real, and he was safe.

"I'm sorry, we're being very rude," Vex said. "Who is your companion?"

"Oh, this is Lionel," Scanlan said. "He is my employee."

"You have employees?" Vex asked.

"Yes, it's a bit of a long story. How have you guys been?"

"No, no, dear, after you," Vex said. They all sat down at the table around them, except for Vax who stood off to the side. He eyed Scanlan when he thought Scanlan wasn't looking, studying him closely. 

"Well, I've been in Marquet, in Ank'harel, specifically. Kaylie and I left and travelled around nearby for the first couple of weeks. We did what gnomes do, and, well forest gnomes do, we went into the forest. And we talked, and we sang songs, and we camped, not in the mansion, just in a tent. We had some good times and bad times together, and eventually we found our way to Ank'harel, and some stuff happened, yadda yadda, and I’m here now, you know?"

"Where is Kaylie?" Pike asked.

"Well, it's a bit complicated. She's in Ank'harel still, taking care of the business."

"What business?" Percy asked.

"So, a couple weeks into our journey, we went to Ank'harel to get a little simple revenge, and it turned into something more than that. I didn't mean to, but I guess I became one of the three largest crime bosses in Ank'harel."

He kept an eye on Vax while he explained. 

"In a year?" Vex asked.

"In eight months. It took a while to get to Ank'harel without Keyleth. We don't do anything bad, I'm not a bad guy. We just sell little trinkets, furniture, art pieces, antiques, things like that. Nothing dangerous. Just fake."

"What does Lionel do for you?"

Scanlan looked over his shoulder at the half-orc. It was hard to explain Lionel Gayheart to anyone. 

"He's the muscle, I guess. Some beefy brawn."

Lionel nodded, shoving some bread into his mouth almost disturbingly. 

"Why'd you come back?" Vax finally asked. Scanlan flinched at how icy he'd managed to make his voice, usually warm and kind. He'd heard Vax sound angry and cold to a lot of people, but he'd never been on the receiving end. 

"Business has been good, and Kaylie has got it under control, so I can take time off."

Vax didn't look satisfied, so Scanlan stumbled over himself to continue.

"I missed you, I missed you all."

He felt himself blushing.

"I'm sorry for leaving like that without really discussing it with you. It came to me that night that I wasn't happy. I was suffering, and having nightmares. I felt awful every day, despite everything you guys did for me."

He connected eyes with Vax for a moment.

"I kept trying to get better, but I couldn't. I kept seeing my own death, and not being able to stop it. I couldn't stop seeing Kaylie, and I couldn't do anything to stop her from seeing me. It didn't feel real, life didn't. I was a ghost in my own life. So I talked with Kaylie, and with Pike, and we decided that I need to get away from this for a while. Except I did get better, and I felt free away from all of  _this_. I had less nightmares, and I was sleeping more. I looked and felt better. It's selfish, I know that, but I needed to get away."

Percy made a face at him. Scanlan ignored him, looking towards Vex and Keyleth, and over their heads, Vax. 

"I'm sorry for the way I went about it, but I did it. It's too late to go back and fix it. All I can do is apologize and hope that's enough."

Vax looked at him, and didn't look away.

"Welcome back," Grog said, piling his plate full of bacon, eggs, and whatever else he could reach. "It's good to see you."

"Yeah, you too, Grog."

"Your room is still available," Percy said "We can find a room for your associate here." 

That was the rest of their conversation. Scanlan stood, instructing Lionel to stay and eat. He was going to his room before he sent word to Kaylie that he'd made it alright, and that he was taking care of Lionel. 

"I'll be back."

He knew Vax was following, but he didn't slow. He kept up his pace, which Vax could easily match. He stayed behind Scanlan's short strides, keeping a few feet back. If Vax had wanted to hide, he would've, but that's not what this was about. They needed to talk, and it wasn't going to happen in the dining room. 

Scanlan kind of hoped it ended with them both naked and on his bed. It'd been a year, and all he could think of was Vax. He haunted his every fucking thought, and often times, his thoughts were about fucking Vax. It was a problem. 

In his room, he set his bag down and turned to face the rogue before him. He was wearing his armor, just like the rest of the party had been, but  _fuck_ , he looked good. Scanlan had forgotten somehow how good that armor looked on the half-elf. He had his hair braided behind his back, and his pale skin contrasted against the black of his armor except for the rose tinge to his cheeks. Scanlan couldn't drag his gaze away from those lips, though. 

"You need to explain yourself."

"I already did," Scanlan said.

"No, you didn't. There was  _something_  here and you tucked tail and ran away without talking to me about it. We could've worked something out. We could have made something work. I had bared my gods damned soul to you, and you to me, and then you decided to leave."

"It's not that simple, Vax. I didn't just tuck tail, and run. I made a decision about what was best for me and my daughter. Nothing in Whitestone was helping."

"I wasn't helping, you mean."

"No, that's not what I mean. You, you were something that I needed, but you weren't the only thing I needed. I needed space, and time away from saving the world, away from fearing for my life every second of every day. You can't protect me from everything, and I can't protect you, either. We have both died, Vax. We have both been killed, and then had to be brought back, and there's always a chance that Pike can't do that. It's a gamble we make, assuming that we're gods, when we're not. We're just not. There's nothing stopping us from being snuffed out tomorrow, or today, or right now. I needed to be away from that. I needed to take my daughter away from where all of the death was happening, and I'm sorry I didn't ask you to come along, but it wouldn't have worked anyway."

"Why not?"

"Because it wouldn't have! You would've been away from your sister, for one."

"I can be away from Vex'ahlia, you know."

"I know, but I don't want to ask that of you."

"If we ever want a life together, I will have to be away from my sister."

There was a beat of silence between them, stretching out the length of the room as they both contemplated.

"Do you?" Scanlan finally asked. 

"Yes, I do," Vax finally answered. 

"I left."

"And despite that, I'm still in love with you!"

That stalled Scanlan in his spot. 

"I've tried to move on. But every time I do, I remember fucking holding you in my arms, and sleeping next to you, and waking up with you, and I couldn't imagine that being anyone but you. You have been with me the entire time you were away, no matter how far away you were. I missed you every day. We went to the Nine Hells, and the elemental plane of water, and Keyleth became the headmaster of her tribe, and we travelled to Wildemount to rescue Taryon, and every step we went, I still missed you despite everything. Even when I was angry at you, I couldn't stop thinking about you. It's infuriating."

"I'm sorry I'm such a thorn in your side."

"That's not the point! I love you, and I don't want to let you go."

Scanlan shook his head, turned his back on Vax, and flipped open his bag on his bed. 

"Scanlan," Vax said with a sigh. He stepped into the room and pulled the door shut. "This isn't going to work if we don't talk."

"I have to go back to Marquet eventually."

"Then I'll come with you. I'll help you and Kaylie run your, whatever, I've got experience."

"Vax."

Vax sat on the bed and caught Scanlan's wrist in a soft, electrifying touch. He looked so gentle, his expression open and vulnerable. 

"We can make it work, if you want. We can try. Don't say no, not yet."

Scanlan set a hand against Vax's cheek, his skin soft beneath Scanlan's callused fingertips. He closed his eyes, eyelashes pillowing against his rosy cheeks, and Scanlan studied the curves and angles of Vax's face. He wondered where the human met the elf in his features, what parts of him came from his beloved mother, and what parts from his wretched father. He traced the point of Vax's ear, and the sharp edge of his cheekbones. He couldn't imagine anyone looking at this beautiful face and thinking he was  _half_  anything, that he was some kind of mistake, or an abomination. There was nothing about Vax that Scanlan didn't love, nothing that Scanlan would change. He couldn't imagine judging Vax for something that was not his fault, like who his father procreated with.

"Fuck," Scanlan whispered, and before he thought better of it, he kissed Vax'ildan. 

He wasn't a stranger to kisses. He had had sex with a lot of men, women, and everything in between all over Exandria. His daughter was proof of that, at the very least. He had started having sex early in his life, and just really hadn't stopped. It was a great activity, he wasn't going to knock it. Except that this here? Kissing Vax'ildan, Champion of the Raven Queen? This was better than sex, somehow. This was fucking bliss. 

He kicked himself thinking that he might have done this sooner if he hadn't left, but he also knew he might've spiraled into a pit that wouldn't have lead here. 

Scanlan stood between Vax's legs while he sat on the bed, and even then, Vax bent over a bit. He tried not to think about the size difference, and was distracted by Vax's hand sliding to hold the back of his neck, a few fingertips brushing into the thick of his hair. There was a bit of rough to Vax's hands, scarred and callused from years throwing and wielding daggers.  

"I wanna try," Scanlan said, whispering in the empty bedroom. There was no one to hear but the walls, but he was afraid that the world might know anyway. "I really wanna try."

In a second, Vax'ildan had bent down and swept Scanlan up into his lap so he straddled him. 

"Do you?"

"I do," Scanlan muttered, breathing into the same space. "I think the Meat Man has lived too long. Kaylie wouldn't mind coming back to Tal'dorei."

"No, he can stay. You can stay. I'll come to you. We deserve a happily ever after. I don't want to keep saving the world if you're not there."

"Yeah, me too."

"Me too," Vax muttered. They fell quiet, holding each other as if a year had not passed between them. And somehow, it was almost like it hadn't. Just for a moment, they were just a rogue and a bard. 

Soon, they'd go to Ank'harel, and leave the world saving to other adventurers. They'd cash out the Meat Man's legacy to a new person, leaving them the mantle and the business. Kaylie would finish school at the Alabaster Lyceum, which they had more than enough money to do with the Mean Man's cash. They'd get a small house at the edge of Emon for themselves while Keyleth and Vex went off to lead the Air Ashari. Pike and Grog returned to Westruun to live with Wilhand until his passing. Percy went on to marry a nice girl from Whitestone who they had saved from the Briarwoods, and built a clocktower in the middle of town. It was a testament to everything they had been through, everything  _Whitestone_  had endured. Vax would propose to Scanlan a few years later late at night beneath the stars, and they would be married at the base of clocktower beneath those stars surrounded by the family they had found.

Soon, they would go on to live the happy ending that they deserved.

But right now, right in that moment, they were just a couple of broken boys holding each other together in an empty bedroom. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I need you to know that I almost ended this in canon, and Mer (hey you :* ) called me by my first name for hurting them, so here we are. I prefer this so much. Thank you guys for reading!!!   
> -K


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